It's gotten out of control. I cut myself shaving the other day and caramel oozed out instead of blood. That's not normal, right? And I'm pretty sure that muscle I thought I tore in my hamstring is really just nougat deposits under my skin. Gross. Damn mini 3 Muskateers bars!

Rob and I made the mistake of hosting a scary movie night last weekend with a few friends. In preparation, we went to Target to stock up on decorations and edibles and the DVD of our evening's feature presentation, The Strangers.

Only one person showed up to our movie night.

One person = LOTS of leftover candy to make me sick and fat

Actually, Mister Fister was also in attendance but he passed out fifteen minutes into the movie due to acute candy corn poisoning. I had placed a big bowl of candy corn in front of him hours before the film started. I wanted to use him as a guinea pig to see if candy corn is broken down during digestion, unlike its big sister. I never told him to eat ALL of it! But after he started drooling and murmuring to himself after the movie started, we sent him to bed and forgot about the results of our little experiment.

Luckily my (Jewish) friend Greg stayed to watch the film. Unfortunately he only ate two pieces of candy. Rude!

Anyway, I've eaten all of the "good" leftover Halloween candy. I don't like candy corn. It's all sugar! My parents stayed here last week so I bagged up the candy corn and hid it in my mom's suitcase.

Now I'm suffering through withdrawal symptoms. I woke up in the middle of the night, shaking and sweating. I ran to the kitchen to find something -- anything! -- sweet to curb my craving. All I could find was Fluffernutter. So I crammed three large spoonfuls into my mouth. I'm not sure if you've ever crammed a lot of Fluffernutter into your mouth at once, but if you have, you would know that it suppresses normal breathing. I did not know this. I thought, Oh my God, I can't breathe. I'm going to be one of those freaks featured on News of the Weird with the headline "Man Dies From Fluffernutter Suffocation." While panicking, I scooped it out of my mouth over the sink. Crisis averted. Whew.

Sure, I could have thrown out all of the leftover candy, but I tend to horde everything during hard economic times. Plus, I need something to quell the impending anxiety I feel about a certain day of this week.

Back to the gym on Wednesday!...depending on the results. Otherwise my winter hibernation and fat storage starts early.

More Mister Fister mayhem:
Mister Fister Celebrates the Resurrection of Christ by Asking, "Did He See His Shadow?"
Mister Fister Bangs a Tranny
Mister Fister Gets a Mani-Pedi
Mister Fister & His Slaveboy Harem