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March 31, 2009

I Want To Go Fishing With Zeb Hogan

Zeb Hogan is the host of some show on the National Geographic Channel where he wrestles monster fish in filthy waters for our educational enjoyment. I'm guessing Zeb is short for Zebra? And there's nothing hotter than a sexy outdoorsman with a PhD named Zebra. I would totally go gay for him. He's the kind of guy I would lounge around with on my couch while we ate pita chips and sipped iced green tea as he waxed nostalgia about the big scary fish he's man-handled. I would even listen. I would also consider putting on a snuggie for him if he wanted me to, providing there were no cameras. And if Animal Planet's tiger freak Dave Salmoni wanted to sit on the couch with us, well, it's likely I would become catatonic and pass out, kinda like these goats do when excited.

He wasn't always as cute -- and this photo highlighting his hippie hair illustrates that he is likely straight (which I'm totally cool with; no judgments):

In other animal news...

There's an animal called a water chevrotain. It looks and behaves like a small deer. But unlike deer it can swim underwater and crawl on the bottom for up to four minutes without air. Awesome. Check this out, the chevrotain outsmarts a hungry eagle:

Birds can be so vicious! I'm really glad pterodactyls don't exist anymore. I could be sitting at an outdoor cafe talking about football with my masc/musc bros like Jimbo, Homer and Brett, and a giant hungry bird could swoop down, grab a helpless screaming Brett with his sharp claws and whisk him away right in front of us. Could you even imagine???

Pythons are causing major problems in Florida. Thanks to irresponsible exotic pet owners, they are flourishing in the Everglades and threatening ecosystems and endangered species. These snakes can grow up to 20 feet and travel 1.6 miles a day. The article says there are approximately 30,000 pythons in the Everglades. Good luck with that.

A new species of gay jellyfish has been discovered, proving that jellyfish were the original ravers. Pretty, innit?

But let's look at Zeb again!

Here he is with a cuddly stingray. Could you imagine if that thing brushed up against you while you were swimming? You would probably scream like a little girl. I would remain calm and say, "Stop touching me, please."

Zeb needs to pose like his main animal-obsessed beefcake rival Dave Salmoni does:

I love nature.

Posted by durban bud at 2:00 PM | Comments (20)

March 24, 2009

Bananas!

This is AnnaLynne McCord, a young, up-and-coming actress and current cast member from the updated 90120 television series, enjoying the perks of being somewhat famous in the modern TMZ world:

She was simply enjoying a little snack in between takes on the set. Makes you thankful you're not a celebrity now-a-days, doesn't it?

Imagine walking your dog down the street before you head to the office. Then, later in the day hearing from frantic friends that an unflattering close-up of your nose, highlighting an apparent popper-burn incident, was unknowingly photographed when you were spending some QT with your pet and is now making the rounds on the most popular web sites in the world, complete with an online poll next to the photo asking readers to vote on what they believe is the cause of your skin mark.

Okay, that would be funny. But only if it happened to someone else.

You don't even have to be a member of the entertainment arts, like the newly crowned Anna Banana, to gain some creepy notoriety that will define you until you die. One of your friends could call you screaming in distress and when you arrive to help out, a deranged chimpanzee channels the ghost of Jeffrey Dahmer and brutally mauls your face off, while 911 audio of your gut-wrenching wails are played on the Today Show the very next day, cementing your name in the infamy book of hell forever. A chimpanzee, for Christ's sake! From the Old Navy commercials!

I have enough sense to know that if The Queen of Awkward Interviewing, Ann Curry, asked me for an exclusive interview, and Dr. Phil was suddenly appearing in my rear-view mirror everywhere I went, that I was in mortal danger and needed to reevaluate the trajectory of my life before I ended up as an answer to a question on Trivial Pursuit's Freakshow Edition. Just ask the Octo-mom! By the way, how would you like it if your mom was known for the rest of her life, not by her real name, but as... Octopussy. I think that would bother me.

But back to bananas!

Some people knowingly allow themselves to be videotaped deepthroating eating bananas, and a lot of them appear to be straight men. Weird, no?

I found these on a pornographer's blog. I would link to his blog but I don't want you to think I'm some kind of perv or something. He was rightfully intrigued. Here's a sampling for your viewing pleasure:

It's official: straight guys are obsessed with gay sex. It's an epidemic. There's tons more if you care to google!

Posted by durban bud at 10:45 AM | Comments (16)

March 16, 2009

Mature

I saw this ad under a Towleroad post today:

38? 41? Mature? REALLY?!?

Well, then I suppose it's a good thing I'm immature!

Posted by durban bud at 12:59 PM | Comments (19)

March 3, 2009

The Ghost of Scabies Past

I made my triumphant return to the DC Social Scene this past weekend.

Somehow I got talked into visiting a new whore bar in Southwest. Actually it's not new; it existed for many years but was forced to close a few years back. And it's really two bars: one part is called Ziegfeld's, which specializes in the drag arts; the other section is called Secrets, which specializes in the semi-hard nude arts.

The latest incarnation is located almost directly on the other side of the street from where it originated. All of those nudie bars and party clubs that once existed there -- Nation, Wet, The Follies, etc. -- were shut down due to the massive construction of new office buildings and Nationals Stadium. Hilarious! The fans watching baseball games -- in the same exact spot where we used to play -- are now wondering why they are grinding their teeth and coming home with mysterious glitter specks on their skin, along with a case of gonorrhea. If they only knew what's buried beneath. It's like Pompeii. I hope they excavate there in the next millennium. It would probably look like this:

I used to go to Nation frequently in the early 00's. I only went to Wet once or twice. And I may or may not have gone to the Glory Hole once (strictly for observational purposes!). I never went to Ziegfeld's/Secrets, and I haven't been back to that area since everything closed.

The new joint resides in a large warehouse, with a large fuchsia-colored ZS sign illuminating on the building. I know what you're thinking, but the ZS doesn't stand for Zis Season or Ziggy Stardust; it means Ziegfeld/Secrets.

Here's what you need to know: the space is very impressive. The drag stage is on the first floor surrounded by small tables. The second floor is well-lit and spacious with a decent-sized dance floor, a few bars, and even a lounge area with a front-row view of a shower room. Trashy!

The naked guys run the gamut of body types; some steroid heads, some pocket gays, all well-endowed, all pretty attractive, all oily. Sadly they're all manscaped. They are spaced throughout the floor at various locations for your peeping pleasure.

It's still a strange feeling to see a man standing in front of you without any clothes. At first you want to look away cuz you're embarrassed thinking, "Whoa, there's a naked dude standing next to me, gyrating. Awkward!" But you get used to it and appreciate his lack of modesty.

I witnessed one exotic dancer on top of a bar smack an observer on top of his head with his large penis. I was tempted to offer this stripper a dollar to do that to me just so I could tell my mother during our Sunday night phone call. She would ask, "What did you do over the weekend?" "Oh, y'know, not much, Mom, although a man hit me on my head with his big, thick dick." She would enjoy hearing that.

Here's what you also need to know: the place gets crowded, and when it gets crowded you realize how poorly designed the layout is. There is a massive clusterfuck when trying to move across one of the large rooms, especially on the first floor by the coat check. Fire. Hazard.

But once they figure out a workaround, I think this remix of a bar will be an enormous success. Clearly the demand is there, as evidenced by the crowd. And the comfortable size of the rooms guarantee good word-of-mouth. If you're bored with one area you can always relocate to another.

It is, I believe, one of the few places in the region that features fully-nude men. This will attract many out-of-towners simply for the novelty of it all. We already spotted a sea of bachelorette Jennifers enjoying themselves that night.

You should go see it for yourself.

Posted by durban bud at 10:26 AM | Comments (14)