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March 31, 2009
I Want To Go Fishing With Zeb Hogan
Zeb Hogan is the host of some show on the National Geographic Channel where he wrestles monster fish in filthy waters for our educational enjoyment. I'm guessing Zeb is short for Zebra? And there's nothing hotter than a sexy outdoorsman with a PhD named Zebra. I would totally go gay for him. He's the kind of guy I would lounge around with on my couch while we ate pita chips and sipped iced green tea as he waxed nostalgia about the big scary fish he's man-handled. I would even listen. I would also consider putting on a snuggie for him if he wanted me to, providing there were no cameras. And if Animal Planet's tiger freak Dave Salmoni wanted to sit on the couch with us, well, it's likely I would become catatonic and pass out, kinda like these goats do when excited.
He wasn't always as cute -- and this photo highlighting his hippie hair illustrates that he is likely straight (which I'm totally cool with; no judgments):
In other animal news...
There's an animal called a water chevrotain. It looks and behaves like a small deer. But unlike deer it can swim underwater and crawl on the bottom for up to four minutes without air. Awesome. Check this out, the chevrotain outsmarts a hungry eagle:
Birds can be so vicious! I'm really glad pterodactyls don't exist anymore. I could be sitting at an outdoor cafe talking about football with my masc/musc bros like Jimbo, Homer and Brett, and a giant hungry bird could swoop down, grab a helpless screaming Brett with his sharp claws and whisk him away right in front of us. Could you even imagine???
Pythons are causing major problems in Florida. Thanks to irresponsible exotic pet owners, they are flourishing in the Everglades and threatening ecosystems and endangered species. These snakes can grow up to 20 feet and travel 1.6 miles a day. The article says there are approximately 30,000 pythons in the Everglades. Good luck with that.
A new species of gay jellyfish has been discovered, proving that jellyfish were the original ravers. Pretty, innit?
But let's look at Zeb again!
Here he is with a cuddly stingray. Could you imagine if that thing brushed up against you while you were swimming? You would probably scream like a little girl. I would remain calm and say, "Stop touching me, please."
Zeb needs to pose like his main animal-obsessed beefcake rival Dave Salmoni does:
I love nature.
Posted by durban bud at March 31, 2009 2:00 PM
Comments
TJ, I believe Zeb is short for Zebulon. I hope he doesn't do a show on the Candiru fish, which sometimes swims into the anus and vagina of peoples.
Posted by: homer at March 31, 2009 2:51 PM
Or, Zebediah.
Posted by: Mike at March 31, 2009 3:18 PM
Man, I'm gonna have to start watching those nature channels!
Posted by: Mark in DE at March 31, 2009 3:23 PM
So, are you assuming the pterodactyl will whisk me away because I am the wee man out of the bunch? Wouldn't it be more fitting and ironic that the bird whisk the D&D player away instead? (especially since Jimbo IS a bird watcher)
BTW -- I would scream like the biggest sissy if a stingray of that magnitude swam by me. Eeeeek!
Posted by: brettcajun at March 31, 2009 4:21 PM
Dave Salmoni... (Homer Simpson drool sound...)
Posted by: Sean at March 31, 2009 4:57 PM
I think I prefer Zeb to Dave.
Posted by: moby at March 31, 2009 8:21 PM
I'm going to get whisked away by a roc or a red dragon.
Posted by: jimbo at March 31, 2009 10:52 PM
I'm going to have to add that channel to my favorites! Yum-O!
I kind of screamed when I saw the picture of the stingray...I can't even imagine what I'd do if I saw it in person.
Posted by: AjohnP at April 1, 2009 9:13 AM
I'm sorry what were you saying, I'm busy keeping this python from swallowing all the children whole...
Posted by: Alden at April 1, 2009 10:46 AM
I think I prefer Dave. You know the other one comes home smelling of fish-- and who wants tHAT!!
Posted by: Cb at April 1, 2009 1:45 PM
So did he avenge Steve Irwin and kill the ray with it's own tail? I only wonder because I like completing literary cycles.
Posted by: atari_age at April 1, 2009 4:26 PM
Mmm... Salmoni .. makes me think of dinner in some respects. I'm having Salmon for dinner tonight. And if Dave Salmoni were here ..
Anyway .. wtf is a snuggie?
DB: I guess Australia has been spared thus far. This is a snuggie.
Posted by: matticus at April 1, 2009 5:57 PM
jellyfish were the first ravers?! love it. t.todd attended his very first real-live rave way back in 1992 in some warehouse in NE DC. a cute gay guy in baggy pants and a monkey back pack flirted with me. i screamed and ran out. i've come a long way, baby!
Posted by: t.todd at April 2, 2009 3:28 AM
"I hope he doesn't do a show on the Candiru fish, which sometimes swims into the anus and vagina of peoples."
Well if a candiru fish swims into the anus of this people I hope Zeb following close behind him!
Posted by: rodger at April 3, 2009 3:41 PM
I have long been extolling the entertainment of nature shows, but nobody listened. Thank you for giving these programs the attention they rightfully deserve. Now if we could only get Zeb to take off his shirt once in a while...
Posted by: SaltyMissJill at April 3, 2009 7:37 PM
I just discovered Zeb myself, he is quite the stone cold fox, and I agree about the taking off the shirt and him coming home smelling like fish. These posts are funny, I dig em.
Posted by: Shona at April 6, 2009 1:02 AM
I want to get Dave Salmoni pregnant. What? The fun's in trying.
Posted by: Sean. Spelled the Right Way. at May 5, 2009 11:02 AM
I'd like to see more of Salmoni ;) I live in San Francisco and thought I saw him the other day at a bookstore.
Posted by: Nick Hoff at May 15, 2009 4:21 PM
So, is Zeb gay or straight?
Posted by: Justin at June 12, 2009 11:26 PM
You know, Zeb isn't short for anything in this case...His first name is just Zeb. (how do I know? i asked him back in High School...)
Posted by: outwest at July 12, 2009 3:54 AM