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April 24, 2009

Running With Really, Really Sharp Scissors

Holy crap. One of the thirteen children of infamous hatemonger Fred Phelps, who broke free from his dad's nightmare compound at midnight of his eighteenth birthday, has recently detailed his abusive upbringing in a fascinating speech he gave to the American Atheists Convention. An ATHEISTS convention -- the ultimate middle finger to his father! Yikes.

Whether you're a believer or not, Nate Phelps' candid account of what life was like living under the roof of that brutal dictator, and its subsequent emotional toll later on his life, is a compelling read. Seriously, if you have fifteen minutes, read it.

I have several extended family members who subscribe to similar strict biblical interpretations, certainly not to the level of Mr. Phelps, but enough to cause devastation on families.

Two of my cousins left their home and got married as soon as they turned eighteen. Both have since divorced, with one of them coming out of the closet. Yeah, that didn't go over too well.

The straight one has recounted the severe beatings he and his brother endured at the hands of their father.

After one failed relationship, the gay cousin reluctantly moved back in with his parents. He has since spent time in a mental ward and is now on disability. He can barely function because he is so fucked up on all kinds of medication. He is 40.

Posted by durban bud at 1:07 PM | Comments (11)

April 21, 2009

BREAKING: Foreskin May Not Be 'All That'

I'm pretty ambivalent when it comes to foreskin. It is what it is. No judgments either way.

But some people go ape shit when the topic comes up. You know the ones, they're all, "How dare my parents mutilate me without my consent and deny me the intense pleasure afforded by that extra layer of skin!!! OH GOD, WHY?!? WHHHHHHHHHHY?!?"

For those of you who think you were deprived I offer you this:

A friend of mine decided -- at the age of 25! -- to have his foreskin removed. The horror!!! He just wasn't a big fan of it or something. So he had a doctor chop it off. Kinda like lipo, but different.

After he told us the story of why and how it happened, he proudly pulled out his new circumcised penis to prove to us that the surgery was a success. Ooooo-kay. It's always slightly awkward when a friend whips out his dick in front of you and says, "Look!" But we are supportive friends! It looked like a normal dick to me, no scars or discoloration. If it makes him happy, then I'm happy. Yay! Be proud of your dick. Dick Pride '09!

Here's the thing:

He says he finds no difference whatsoever in the feeling during sex. This is a direct quote, "It feels the exact same to me as it did when I had foreskin."

Fascinating!

So relax, boys. With or without the hood, it's still all good.

Posted by durban bud at 12:56 PM | Comments (17)

April 15, 2009

TMI

I think by 2050 all physical human contact will cease, which is going to suck since we'll all be required to take pills (microchips) that will extend our lives 50+ years.

Hat tip: Andrew

Posted by durban bud at 12:09 PM | Comments (5)

April 14, 2009

Chuck

This little brown-noser has taken up a temporary residence at my home:

Our Latino former-houseboy Carlos asked if we could take care of his precious while he was jetsetting through South America for a couple weeks. Sure, why not -- cats are low-maintenance and don't need to be walked in the rain. Also, they're soft.

He named his cat Mimoso Michilin Alberto. I'm not kidding. In my home, he shall answer to Chuck.

When he dropped Chuck off I was expecting him to bring the cat, along with a litter box, food and a dish bowl.

Instead he brought this Sanford & Son Kitty Motel 6 monstrosity into our home:

It's official: Carlos is the Neighborhood Cat Lady.

I knew something was amiss when a loud crane pulled up to our window with the operator yelling, "Éste es el dormitorio del gato. Abra la ventana, maricón!" Mortified, I opened the window and saw pieces of carpeted drywall dangling high above our building from a large hook.

To avoid any more public humiliation, I grabbed all the pieces, pulled them inside and motioned to the smiling crane operator to leave.

Carlos finally showed up and reassembled the cat house with tape and a screw. If it doesn't look sturdy, it isn't.

Several dogs have stayed with us through the years but I haven't had a cat since I lived with my parents. Oddly, he behaves much more like a dog. He follows me around everywhere, begs for food while we're eating, likes to have his belly rubbed, searches for food scraps in floor crevices, gets excited when someone is at the door and barks meows incessantly.

He doesn't even really purr. I guess cuz he's "straight-acting?"

When cats meow they usually want something -- attention, food, sex. Not this guy.

This morning I heard a meow at the bottom of the stairs. I looked down and saw Chuck sitting there. I said "come here kitty kitty" and motioned for him to come to me. He stood there and meowed again. He didn't move away as if to lead me somewhere he wanted to go. I was like, "What?" He stood there and meowed again. HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME. About what, I have no idea. I asked, "Do you miss Carlos? Are you worried about your taxes? What's on your mind?" Silence for ten seconds, then "meow." AWKWARD!

And just like the dogs we've fostered before, he jumps on the bed when we go to sleep and rests for the night by our feet. Awwww.

Chuck is my new friend. Shut up.

UPDATE: Cute pocketstraight ABC newsman Dan Harris likes cats too. Watch his video. Awwww.

Posted by durban bud at 11:04 AM | Comments (11)

April 10, 2009

Are You There, God? It's Me, Unoriginal

Kurt Cobain died 15 years ago this week. FIFTEEN YEARS! To put that length of time into perspective: the red-headed chick on this season's American Idol was a newborn then. And I was just a newly out homosexual -- with thick beautiful brown hair that I still kept hidden inside a baseball cap.

But let's not bloviate on the past.

Since it's a big religious holiday weekend for most people, I thought it would be an appropriate time to question the afterlife -- again.

Let's say you are in a long-term relationship with the love of your life and he/she suddenly dies one day. Five years later you find yourself moving on and falling in love with someone else. You remain with that person until you die. Which one do you hang out with in the afterlife for forever and ever? Hmm?

USA Today has a cool interactive map about changing religious identities in America over the past few decades. And here's one from The Guardian that focuses on the United Kingdom.

Enjoy your weekend. Wear pastels.

Posted by durban bud at 10:30 AM | Comments (9)

April 6, 2009

Global Crisis

First it was Twitter, now Vin Diesel escapes the tight grip of virtual irrelevancy.

"...Even Universal knew when they announced a 4th installment of their worn-out street racing franchise that everyone else would say there was no life left. But they got the original 2001 cast together and made a true sequel that picks up the Fast & Furious story where it left off in The Fast And The Furious. ("New Model... Original Parts".) The result was a jaw-dropping...$72.5M.

"Fast & Furious also opened day and date in 32 overseas markets, and it looks to have made in excess of $30.1M internationally, bigger than the openings of all the films in the Fast and Furious franchise. The film debuted No. 1 almost everywhere including Germany, Austria, Spain, Mexico, Brazil, Peru, Venezuela, Denmark, Greece, Iceland, Israel, Netherlands, Norway, Poland, Romania, Turkey, India, Indonesia, Malaysia, Philippines and Thailand. So, from the first weekend in theaters, Fast & Furious had a worldwide gross of $102.6M."

Really?!?

Seriously?!?

I wonder if any gay people went to see it.

Posted by durban bud at 1:15 PM | Comments (8)