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September 29, 2009

Retirement

All good things must come to an end. I've been doing this for well over four years now. FOUR YEARS -- how embarrassing! I've shared way too much personal information, but mostly I've shared silly stories about my friends, family and porn stars. But life continues outside the sucking vortex of social networking and sometimes that needs to be tended to without distraction.

So it's with a heavy heart that I must inform you that Mr. Jake Dakota has decided to retire from porn, his social networking outlet. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but I felt you should know. According to his NSFW website:

"Due to a recent lay-off at my "real" job I can no longer afford the luxury of being at the beckon call of the industry. I am currently trying to find employment in my hometown of Cleveland and things aren't looking good so I have decided to go back to school and finish my Culinary degree."

Gut-wrenching! But wouldn't it be a hoot to take a cooking class with Jake? I admire his desire to further his education in the cooking arts. In my list of top ten professions I wished I had gone into when I was younger, becoming a chef is at number 6! I wish him nothing but the best, and I look forward to devouring one of his tasty treats at a later date.

If you're interested, he's selling off some his used, um, clothing that he wore in some of your favorite pornographic classics. He's taking bids now. Go get 'em!

Let's not be sad, people. Let's remember the good ol' days and hum along to my long-distance dedication to him.

Anyway, here are some other things I found online that you should know about to help you cope with your impending Seasonal Affective Disorder:

* Do you ever feel like you're not inherently talented in much of anything? These videos of a 4-year-old drumming along to The Who, Rush and AC/DC will surely make you feel better.

* Remember that wedding entrance video those crazy kids posted on YouTube that we all watched, even those of us who can't get married but watched anyway cuz we're masochistic? Yeah, well they took some flack for using the ironic Chris Brown song "Forever" for their little dance routine. So what did they do to combat the backlash? They set up a website to seek donations to benefit a domestic violence prevention organization. Groovy.

* The New Yorker has an excellent article by David Grann on the 2004 execution of a Texas man who it now appears was innocent. Actually his conviction raised red flags before his death but they were all ignored. It's a long read but well worth it. Seriously.

* Do you recognize this guy?

Look familiar? It's this guy all grown up. He's good friends with Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau and directs them in their new film Couples Retreat. Yay for him.

* Pearl Jam just released a new CD. It's actually decent. You'll probably start hearing one of the songs from it on adult contemporary radio stations in the next few months. Do those even exist anymore? It's a sweet song about death. Fun stuff! Listen to Just Breathe here. You're welcome.

* Also, the past month I've been listening to this quirky, cartoon-electro-acoustic-pop, gay French kid known as Sliimy. He started posting videos of his music last year on MySpace (ew!) and got signed after a performance at a small club in France. Unfortunately, in the States, he just signed with Perez Hilton's tiny record label under Warner so most people will immediately tune him out based on their aversion to the fame-whoring blogger. That's too bad cuz Sliimy's pretty talented and different from the rest of the crap out now. He seems like the kind of guy who was bullied in high school and is now seeking retribution through his music. Give him a chance! Here are some clips of Sliimy for your education:

Brief behind the scenes of a video shoot. There's some cute French guys in this video, one of them moons the camera. I love the French!
Sliimy interviewed by the gay press
One of his MySpace videos, Trust Me
Video for first single Wake Up

* Young Brettcajun is back with another barn burner. Check out his take on Party in the USA!

* "Are women born this way?"

Posted by durban bud at 12:03 AM | Comments (7)

September 22, 2009

Kirk Cameron Is A Sssssnake

Are you down with that?

The "banana guy" she refers to got his namesake from the clip featured in this video.

She also takes on homophobes here.

Posted by durban bud at 12:38 PM | Comments (6)

September 16, 2009

I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up

So get this: Last week we went to some place called Pine Knoll Shores in the Southern Outer Banks of North Carolina to spend time with Bobbie's family, cuz Bobbie's mom had booked a BEAUTIFUL beach-front house in the hopes that we could all spend one last time together with Bobbie, but that didn't work out, so we decided to still meet up there cuz Bobbie would have wanted us to, so we met up and were having a nice time together and on the second night I cooked and barbecued and slaved in the kitchen to make dinner for everyone, cuz that's what we gays do for straight people, and it was awesome, and everyone was like "Wow, this is delicious" and I was all "It is, isn't it?" and then after dinner we all (except for Bobbie's mom and her very sweet friend from Montana) made a pilgrimage to the local Dairy Queen cuz that's what you do in the South -- you eat and eat and eat -- and we were all standing in this MASSIVE Dairy Queen order line when Bobbie's husband got a call on his cell phone telling him to come back to the house, so we returned to the house, and there on the driveway pavement was Bobbie's mom, who informed us that she had fallen from the front steps and couldn't move, so she asked me to call 911, and I said "You're just doing this to score painkillers, aren't you?" and she's all "No, it hurts," so I called 911 and they came and got her in a dramatic fashion, and then she spent the next two days in the hospital cuz she had to have surgery to attach a bunch of screws to bones in her foot and ankle, but we still ended up having a decent time and she's fine now in a wheelchair.

Moral of the story: Old people break easily.

---

The weekend before our trip we, like thousands of others here in DC, witnessed the funeral procession for Ted Kennedy. The man had been an incredible advocate for gay rights, so we stood on the sidelines and applauded when the entire entourage passed by. You could tell the family was touched by how many people showed up to pay their respects. They rolled down their windows, smiled and waved back to everyone. We thought it was odd to take photos during this, but this was history and they seemed to understand that. The majority of the Kennedy family are in the first photo. Patrick Kennedy rode in the hearse and can be seen in the second photo looking our way. John Kerry was also part of the crew but our photo of him only captured the bumper of his SUV. Anyway, just thought I'd share since I'm all DC and shit.

Posted by durban bud at 3:42 PM | Comments (8)

September 14, 2009

Dicks

Gawker tips us off to the statewide findings Manhunt has gathered on the average penis size men claim to have based on their Manhunt profiles. DC (of course) placed number one with the biggest exaggerated dicks at 7.59 inches. New York placed second. Alaska was honest last.

Take a gander at the (may not be safe for work) results. Oh, and to find the average size of a dude's dick based on scientific studies, check out this site featuring a domain name that someone actually registered: http://www.whatstheaveragepenissize.com/. You're welcome!

So that means someone in Manhunt's office was tasked with the job of trolling through the profiles to find these numbers. I'll say it again: I really need to get a part-time gig at Manhunt.

(Hat tip: Andrew T)

Posted by durban bud at 10:21 PM | Comments (9)

Plastic

This happened to me recently when I tried to open my brand new nose & ear hair trimmer.

Posted by durban bud at 5:47 PM | Comments (1)

September 10, 2009

I Hate Crickets

This may have happened to me the other day while on vacation. The lights went off and we're doing our sexytime thing, and then we heard a noise -- a God-awful non-stop shriek of some sort. OMG, is that a....cricket?!? Where the hell was this noise coming from? I placed a distress call inside my head. The response I got from the operator said, "We've traced the call. It's coming from inside the house!" Nooooooooooo.

We tried to ignore it, but it's hard (har har) to keep a sexy game-face on with that wretched sound blaring in the background. You try it. I bet you couldn't last 30 seconds of hot mansex listening to that incessant "chirping."

I untangled myself, got up, turned the light on and went on a search for where the sound appeared to be coming from. He's like, "I think it's over there," and I'm all, "No, I think it's over there." So I look a fool prancing around in my sweaty birthday suit while on Mission: Cricket Containment.

Finally we spotted the culprit, TWO OF THEM. I grabbed something to swat them with, but was told, "No, that's my shirt!" So I grabbed something else and used it, causing the crickets to shut up forever. Case closed!

So then we tried to get back into our original groove. Not easy to do after witnessing cricket guts. But we soldiered on.

That's when the God-awful non-stop shriek of some sort started up AGAIN. Motherfucker! Once again the lights went on and I resumed looking a fool for the real culprit. I searched and searched. Finally, success. There he is, the sexytime destabler. SQUISH!

But by then all I could do was concentrate on why and how crickets make that God-awful non-stop shriek. Thanks for ruining the mood, crickets! But I used my time wisely. A simple Google search revealed that only MALE crickets make that noise by doing some jujitsu or something with their legs, and they only do it to attract females. That means a heterosexual cricket was cruising for chicks during my homosexual sexytime. Deliberately, I'm sure. So basically they are cat-calling nearby females. Gross. I guess crickets are the insect form of construction workers.

I know I'm sharing too much information, but you deserve to know that crickets are rude and homophobic. So next time late at night when you hear a sea of crickets chirping loudly, please remember that it's just a bunch of horny males disrespecting females and flaunting their sexuality in our faces. It never ends, does it?

Posted by durban bud at 9:50 PM | Comments (13)