« September 2009 | Main | November 2009 »

October 30, 2009

Y'All Know What Today Is, Right?

If you've somehow forgotten what today is, maybe because your mind is just too focused on cooking this yummy Meat Hands recipe for your Halloween dinner, then this viral marketing one-sheet released this morning ought to refresh your memory. Backstory and gift ideas here. Wiki page is here, overly edited into head-scratching incoherence by know-it-all losers seeking credit for its founding.

You know what you need to do today. Do it before you forget. Because the Power Bottom in your life won't forget. If money is an issue this year and he's more of an acquaintance, feel free to write accolades on his wall in Facebook. He'll appreciate the gesture, as will his family and friends.

And here's a creepy golden oldie to commemorate All Hallows' Even, while simultaneously making you wonder if Fred Rogers ever engaged in aggressive anal relations:

I wish you all a joyous Power Bottom Appreciation Day AND a Happy Halloween! I look forward to hearing how you chose to celebrate these holidays. Be creative, and dish!

Posted by durban bud at 12:01 AM | Comments (9)

October 26, 2009

iWhores

Last weekend we went shopping for soup. Rob wasn't feeling well and wanted "something light." So we went on a soup crusade to Safeway and Harris Teeter. They were both having enormous sales. So we STOCKED UP.

When I got home I figured out why these sales were happening. Tacky!

Then we hosted a dinner (not soup!) for 3 friends followed by a screening of the feel-good movie of 2009.

But my friends were more interested in their iPhones than the movie.

More specifically, they were interested in the iPhone app Grindr. I've longed for someone to invent an app that makes people stop talking about their goddamn iPhones ALL THE TIME or when they're playing with them at inappropriate times, perhaps an app that delivers an electrical shock when necessary. But I will admit I'm fascinated with Grindr. I like the idea of knowing (within feet!) of other dudes available for sexual relations. The gays are so sexually technological AND creative. Shocking!

So I was shown a demonstration of this phenomenon. The first profile that grabbed my attention was of a woman. I was like "I think that's Tori Amos. OMG -- why is Tori Amos trying to score some gay man-butt?" Upon closer inspection, it WAS Tori Amos posing in a photo with a horny dude. Poor Tori! I'm sure she didn't think that posing for an innocent photo with a fan would be used as a sexual hook-up lure. I love Tori Amos but she won't help get you laid. Awkward!

Hey Jupiter
Nothings been the same
So are you gay
Are you blue
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
And I thought you'd see with me
You wouldn't have to be something new

I know Jimbo hates guys using Grindr while in his company, but I find it amusing. So if you want to bust it out during dinner with me, please do, just don't use it for any other reason.

Posted by durban bud at 11:35 PM | Comments (16)

October 22, 2009

I Think I'll Use The Word Boondoggle Again

Sometimes I read Michelle Malkin's blog. It's comedy gold. It's fun just to see where she'll drop the word "boondoggle" into her latest hysterical rant. It never fails.

These days she's been freaking the fuck out over the current administration's pitch to Americans to consider volunteering and engaging in national service to their country. The fact that those in the entertainment industry are helping to advance this sinister message to the masses this week has caused poor Michelle to queef sulfur. This, in her mind, is today's boondoggle:

"Hollywood hearts Obama. Obama hearts government-directed national service. That is why you won't be able to change the TV channel all week without getting lectured about the need to get off the couch and Do Something. (After your favorite shows are over, of course.) Creeped out? You should be."

OMG, I AM creeped out! Fuck volunteering! Fuck you, Teri Hatcher! Stop telling me to help out poor black kids with cleft-palettes! I will stay right here on my couch and read blogs instead! Thanks for enlightening us to this boondoggle, Michelle Malkin!

Like clockwork, her readers rally around her outrage with revealing comments like this:

"I steadfastly refuse to do anything. This drive for forced volunteerism and mandatory national service has made me decide to do absolutely nothing except take care of myself and my own needs."

And this is different from your yesterday, how?

EL-OH-EL!

Posted by durban bud at 11:56 PM | Comments (10)

October 20, 2009

Maine Gratitude

Today, a straight married friend of mine from Maine with three children just posted this status on his Facebook page:

"Voted early and voted #NoOn1"

Just pretend I was the first to post this video, okay?

An 86-year-old Republican, WWII vet with four sons, one of them gay, speaking up for marriage equality in Maine. The tear falling off his face at the end kills me.

From reading a passionate speech, to voting and publicly alerting your friends that you voted against inequality, proves we do have common-sense allies standing up for us. They may seem like small tokens of selflessness in our favor but they are very much appreciated by thousands of Maine residents they will probably never know.

More of these kinds of advocates, please. Donate here. Fingers crossed, Maine.

Posted by durban bud at 10:26 PM | Comments (9)

October 14, 2009

Paranormal Activity

I was rocking out for equality here. The people in front of me were not. They have that look on their face of someone who accidentally stumbles upon my blog and finishes reading one of my posts and makes a mental note to never ever do that again.

Lots of people were shouting the usual call and response chants during the march. I tried to change things up and get people to shout my inspirational pro-sodomy limerick I wrote specifically for the march. But no one played along except for Mister Fister. In fact some dude had the audacity to tell me I "was making gay people look bad with that song." I was like, "You're the one wearing jean shorts in 2009 in front of thousands, so really, who's doing more damage?"

Despite that, this march was the most positive event of its kind that I've been to. I know some anti-gay protesters were there but this was the first time I never saw them. They're losing their members willing to publicly be dicks to us. I was expecting to see signs saying the apocalypse was near and that gays will next be demanding to legally marry their iPhones or some such nonsense.

Lots of straights marched with us, lots of kids, lots of everybody. Yay!

The only thing I thought was cheesy was when Starship reunited at the march rally to perform the equality-themed "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" featuring a completely unnecessary "rap" by Queen Latifah midway though the song. I guess Barney Frank pissed off some people for saying the march was a waste of time. So, of course, she targeted him with lyrics that went something like:

Fuck Barney Frank
Your shit done stank
You an Uncle Tom
Prolly work for NOM
How now brown cow
Ain't nothin' gonna stop us now

Dreadful. That's all I could remember from her performance. But other than that the whole day was perfect!

We all went to see Paranormal Activity over the weekend. I usually avoid seeing hyped-up films on their opening weekends, especially when they are only playing in 150 theaters around the country. But the hype had such control over me I couldn't resist.

We arrived early enough for the 9:10 showing to score some great seats. So we're sitting there watching the theater fill up with people. And then, as the start time was quickly approaching, I saw something troubling out of the corner of my eye coming into the auditorium. A baby stroller. Oh, hail no. Keep pushing that thing through the emergency exit, please. Then, behind the woman pushing the stroller were two enthusiastic toddlers. Seriously? An R-rated HORROR FILM? At a late showing? Have Child Protective Services been notified? Naturally the woman and an adult male escorted their brood AND STROLLER in my direction. I put on my best death stare that Jimbo taught me. It seemed to work as they chose two rows behind me, but the group of kids sitting directly in front of them weren't having it. They moved completely to the other side of the theater. That's when another woman holding HER baby entered the auditorium and sat right in front of them. Is it Bring your Tired Infant to a Crowded Theater to Sit for a Couple Hours Night? Worse, I thought, were the two toddlers who will be eternally traumatized after the movie because they will at least understand some of the movie. Awkward! But I was feeling all equality and shit so I refused to judge them any further.

Anyway, I liked the movie. It's really low-budget and slow with Blair Witch-like cinematography. It's certainly not your typical gore-fest scary movie. But it was original and creepy and fun to see with a group of friends in a packed theater of crying babies and toddlers. It probably scared me more than it should because Stina kept screaming and jumping at certain points, causing me to choke on my pretzel and almost pass out. Good times!

* It is my duty to inform you that all photos featured here were taken by Stina and Rob.

Posted by durban bud at 10:53 PM | Comments (9)

October 8, 2009

Mister Fister Marches For Equality; Hopes To Sit Atop Massive 'Forearm Float'

This weekend promises to be historic. The Durban Inn will be at full capacity, hosting distinguished guests Mister Fister, New Jersey's favorite outspoken liberal heterosexual Stina, and DC's most neurotic and moody pussy Jimbo Chuck, who, for reasons that would prompt PETA to launch an aggressive action alert, has been shaved down to resemble a high-priced prostitute poodle. "He likes being shaved," I'm told. Chuck declined to comment.

Other friends have already arrived in the city, as was evident last night when we received a phone call at, oh, say, 1:30am from Peter Pan's doppelgänger, T.Todd, alerting us that he was at our front door and wanted to say hi and play with our bellybuttons. On a school night. At 1:30 in the morning. And we're all like middle-aged mature professionals now and shit. This scenario seems all too familiar!

Half-asleep with visible heart palpitations, Rob and I looked at each other and instinctively shielded our own bellybuttons with a hand -- a reflexive symptom of some lingering PTSD -- as we telepathically transmitted our thoughts on the situation by rapidly batting our eyelashes at one another without saying a word. It's a communicative Morse-like code technique that's unique to gay men. Jealous?

Rob fluttered his eyes so fast I could barely decode what he was saying. I batted my eyelashes back asking him to slow down. So he did. I figured it out. Rob's deciphered secret eyelash expression seemed to read, "Firm boundaries are fully developed in humans around the age of 35, right?" "Indeed, our boundaries are solid," I shot back with one long luscious lash bat, "and our bellybuttons have a curfew. We'll call him tomorrow. Goodnight."

Our friends are never dull.

I'm looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend and gettin' my march on. Hopefully these marches will cease to be necessary. Rob doesn't think the march will attract a huge crowd this time because it wasn't publicized enough. Some of our friends in DC didn't even know it was happening until last week. I guess it wasn't mentioned recently on Project Runway for them to know. But I think it will do just fine. We shall see very soon.

Are you venturing into my neighborhood this weekend?

Posted by durban bud at 2:10 PM | Comments (9)

October 6, 2009

Love Is A Battlefield - Literal Video Version

Not quite as hilarious as their take on Total Eclipse of the Heart, but the dance routine in the middle of the video is worth the watch.

Posted by durban bud at 11:52 PM | Comments (5)