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November 30, 2009

'I Gotta Feeling' We'll Be Hearing That Song For The Rest Of Our Lives

I'm in New Hampshire.

Here I am on the beach on Thanksgiving Day, working my fierce LL Bean catalog pose:

Here is God pissing on my photo-shoot, trapping me:

Here's a big clam:

We spent Thanksgiving with Rob's family. But the primary reason for the trip was to attend Rob's 10th 20th High School Reunion. MUCH TO MY CHAGRIN. I didn't even go to my own - for obvious reasons! Rob had to go because he made the mistake of becoming president of his class back in the day, which obligates him to organize and speak at these events regularly or something. Listen up, kids -- that is why you never ever run for class president. High school memories will follow you until you die if you do!

But I played along cuz I'm sweet like that. Also, he FORCED me to go.

There was only one other gay person there. Hi John!

I said to the woman who helped organize the event, "How long into the night do you think the DJ will play "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas?" She said, "Um, I asked him to play that song first, to get things started." Oh. This is going swimmingly!

'I Gotta Feeling' that song will be played at every goddamn wedding, Bar-mitzvah, and class reunion from here on out. Mark my words!

The rest of that evening looked like this 30-second clip I shot:

Drunk Jennifers and 'I Gotta Feeling' are with us forever. Get used to them.

Posted by durban bud at 5:53 PM | Comments (11)

November 26, 2009

I Wanted To Write A Song For You

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted by durban bud at 10:19 AM | Comments (7)

November 17, 2009

Sit

Chuck returned to our home for a more permanent stay about two months ago. Not sure if I've mentioned it yet. Not sure if you even care. Not sure I should be telling you now for fear you think I'm turning into a cat lady.

After several complaints, Chuck's owner was ordered by his buildings' management to remove Chuck or else he would be asked to vacate his residency by the end of the month. Meee-Oowww! Apparently Chuck's mouth was getting him in trouble with the neighbors. Chuck had a tendency to meow incessantly when left alone for long periods, causing discomfort and rage to telecommuters on the same floor. I've never heard of a noise complaint filed against a cat before. What a bad-ass! He just wanted to be heard. And when he felt no one would listen he went rogue, garnering himself plenty of attention and an emergency residents' meeting held in his honor. I guess he sounds kind of like this when left alone:

Yes, I've posted that before but it's fitting for this, no?

So the Courtney Love of cats has moved in. We're the go-to sanctuary for misfit pets, apparently.

Because of his previous owner's parenting skills, Chuck displayed bad manners and seemed despondent upon his arrival. Basically we are fostering the feline version of Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. By the way, what kind of title is that? The author's name appears in the movie's credits so why the indulgent overkill of a title? Who does that? Insecure "writers" who need constant adulation, that's who. She should just become a blogger.

Anyway, Precious is doing well, showing respect, being somewhat quiet and blossoming into the princess we all know she is. He is also completely weird, which I love. He jumps up and attacks door frames for no apparent reason. And after one of us takes a shower, he walks into the shower stall and stares at the water drops slowly falling down the glass door. Who does that? Freaks do, that's who. I'm in love.

I have taught him to sit on command. It actually didn't take him to long to learn. I showed him a treat, told him to "Ssssit" while using a downward hand signal, and then if he didn't comply I would push his little butt to the ground. After a couple of tries he got it right. Both Rob and I reinforce this command a couple times of day. I think I'll make a video to show you guys this amazing talent. My (Jewish) friend Greg witnessed it and can verify its authenticity.

But I'm finding I care a little too much about this cat who, technically, is not really mine. His owner came over recently to "play" with Chuck and I reprimanded him for handling Chuck too aggressively. Why do I care so much?

It occurred to me while I was on Facebook.

All of my straight friends around my age use photos of their children as their profile picture on Facebook. They do this to tell the world, "I HAVE CHILDREN! DO YOU?!? I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED THIS EXPECTED LIFE TASK SUCCESSFULLY! PLEASE TAKE NOTE AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS. GOTTA GO TAKE CARE OF MY KID NOW CUZ I'M A PARENT. K THX, BYE! " The previous life task of getting married is, of course, addressed to the masses by using the bride and groom wedding photo as their profile pic. In your fucking face, bitches! Check that one off MY Expected Life Tasks List, mmmkay?

I don't blame them. But the constant photographic reminder that I don't have kids at an age when I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE KIDS makes me pause and shiver. My innate biological drive to be a dad is uncontainable, even if I don't really want kids. I can't help it; it's in my nature. So I am projecting this trait onto an animal.

That's why so many gay people have photos of their pets as their profile pic. They can't control this natural desire to parent so they want to shout it to the world that they have something that relies on them for food and shelter. It fills this void.

Chuck is my son.

Posted by durban bud at 12:45 PM | Comments (19)

November 10, 2009

Reply To All Part II

I've discussed the problem with the reply-to-all email function before. It can be incredibly humiliating, especially if you accidentally send a slutty email exchange to THE ENTIRE CAMPUS. It's probably best not to document any type of sexual communication ever. Because it will always come back to bite you in the ass. Always.

If any emails or instant messages or videos or phone "conversations" of a sexual nature purporting to be mine are ever publicized, I can assure you, I had no part in them. I do not do that — anymore.

Posted by durban bud at 10:45 AM | Comments (4)

November 4, 2009

Ugh

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Rinse and repeat.

Progress is a motherfucker. This helps soothe the sting a bit.

Posted by durban bud at 12:24 AM | Comments (5)

November 3, 2009

America's Sweetheart "SkoalRebel" SUSPENDED from YouTube

The lovechild of Rush Limbaugh and a paint-huffing warthog has been booted from YouTube after he allegedly spouted off some homophobic verbal diarrhea in a video directly aimed at a gay YouTuber.

If you're not familiar with this cancerous boil on the anus of humanity dude from Kentucky, SkoalRebel made 10-minute videos of himself dipping tobacco, spitting tobacco, drooling, and verbally communicating through grunts that kinda resemble actual words. He makes these masterpieces while sitting in his trailer's garbage-infested kitchen, which could easily get him booked on the show "Hoarders." (I would totally watch THAT episode -- book him!)

He gained virtual notoriety a couple months ago for ranting that the president should be inpeached [sic] for "banning" fruity-flavored dip. Oh, and he said some racist stuff too. Thankfully someone put together an edited version of his infamous video that strips away all the dead air of him just sitting there snorting phlegm. So if you haven't seen his original riveting video, this is the one to watch. There's also a remixed video of it, of course.

He sparked a lot of outrage around the country, which led to an appearance on Hannity. The negative attention and comments he received pissed him off so much he made a (brief!) video telling people to "back the fuck off." Sadly that was his final video posted on YouTube before his mouth got him banned. :(

He will be missed. The Tea Party people are probably organizing a march on Washington to protest his suspension no doubt. So perhaps he will be back.

Posted by durban bud at 2:28 PM | Comments (5)