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November 17, 2009
Sit
Chuck returned to our home for a more permanent stay about two months ago. Not sure if I've mentioned it yet. Not sure if you even care. Not sure I should be telling you now for fear you think I'm turning into a cat lady.
After several complaints, Chuck's owner was ordered by his buildings' management to remove Chuck or else he would be asked to vacate his residency by the end of the month. Meee-Oowww! Apparently Chuck's mouth was getting him in trouble with the neighbors. Chuck had a tendency to meow incessantly when left alone for long periods, causing discomfort and rage to telecommuters on the same floor. I've never heard of a noise complaint filed against a cat before. What a bad-ass! He just wanted to be heard. And when he felt no one would listen he went rogue, garnering himself plenty of attention and an emergency residents' meeting held in his honor. I guess he sounds kind of like this when left alone:
Yes, I've posted that before but it's fitting for this, no?
So the Courtney Love of cats has moved in. We're the go-to sanctuary for misfit pets, apparently.
Because of his previous owner's parenting skills, Chuck displayed bad manners and seemed despondent upon his arrival. Basically we are fostering the feline version of Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. By the way, what kind of title is that? The author's name appears in the movie's credits so why the indulgent overkill of a title? Who does that? Insecure "writers" who need constant adulation, that's who. She should just become a blogger.
Anyway, Precious is doing well, showing respect, being somewhat quiet and blossoming into the princess we all know she is. He is also completely weird, which I love. He jumps up and attacks door frames for no apparent reason. And after one of us takes a shower, he walks into the shower stall and stares at the water drops slowly falling down the glass door. Who does that? Freaks do, that's who. I'm in love.
I have taught him to sit on command. It actually didn't take him to long to learn. I showed him a treat, told him to "Ssssit" while using a downward hand signal, and then if he didn't comply I would push his little butt to the ground. After a couple of tries he got it right. Both Rob and I reinforce this command a couple times of day. I think I'll make a video to show you guys this amazing talent. My (Jewish) friend Greg witnessed it and can verify its authenticity.
But I'm finding I care a little too much about this cat who, technically, is not really mine. His owner came over recently to "play" with Chuck and I reprimanded him for handling Chuck too aggressively. Why do I care so much?
It occurred to me while I was on Facebook.
All of my straight friends around my age use photos of their children as their profile picture on Facebook. They do this to tell the world, "I HAVE CHILDREN! DO YOU?!? I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED THIS EXPECTED LIFE TASK SUCCESSFULLY! PLEASE TAKE NOTE AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS. GOTTA GO TAKE CARE OF MY KID NOW CUZ I'M A PARENT. K THX, BYE! " The previous life task of getting married is, of course, addressed to the masses by using the bride and groom wedding photo as their profile pic. In your fucking face, bitches! Check that one off MY Expected Life Tasks List, mmmkay?
I don't blame them. But the constant photographic reminder that I don't have kids at an age when I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE KIDS makes me pause and shiver. My innate biological drive to be a dad is uncontainable, even if I don't really want kids. I can't help it; it's in my nature. So I am projecting this trait onto an animal.
That's why so many gay people have photos of their pets as their profile pic. They can't control this natural desire to parent so they want to shout it to the world that they have something that relies on them for food and shelter. It fills this void.
Chuck is my son.
Posted by durban bud at November 17, 2009 12:45 PM
Comments
It's good that you're projecting it onto an animal. Some (TOO many) gay men your age (and up) project it onto a 12...er, 18 year old boyfriend.
Posted by: Brian at November 17, 2009 1:33 PM
I think you're onto something. Whenever I see a gay in a photo with his 2 golden retrievers I think "Uh oh - she's huntin' for a husband with those two bird dogs."
I have goldfish. They come to greet me (beg for food) when I walk by, and I pretend I've dressed them up in their flowing golden fins.
Posted by: jimbo at November 17, 2009 1:51 PM
I'm glad you have embraced Chuck as your surrogate son, rather than getting one of those horrible, human children who suck the life out of you. Seriously, just ask a straight parent you can trust to tell you the truth.
Posted by: Mark in DE at November 17, 2009 3:43 PM
That explains BrettC and his chickens, err, dogs, umm possums,
Yea all of the above.
Posted by: TonkaManOR at November 17, 2009 6:59 PM
I am Daddy to my cats.
Posted by: homer at November 17, 2009 8:43 PM
Oh my god, I love Chuck. Despite his Hitler mustache. He is so perfectly round and fluffy - he looks like a stuffed animal. You are going to love him and squeeze him and call him George.
Posted by: Long Story Longer at November 17, 2009 10:30 PM
I hope you can get your son into a good school.
Posted by: JC at November 17, 2009 10:43 PM
Not to make Chuck go into therapy, but you have options. I borrow my 3 year old neice when I want to look mainstream in a photo. She's cute. It almost works.
Posted by: JohnG at November 18, 2009 3:20 AM
Anyone that has been to Tucson can tell you that PUFF rules Homer's household. Puff is Karen and Homer is Rosario.
And Chuck DOES have a Hitler moustache! OMG. That explains everything...
Posted by: brettcajun at November 18, 2009 8:20 AM
I LOVE MY GAY CANINE DAUGHTER!
Posted by: Mike at November 18, 2009 10:41 AM
Chuck is such a handsome boy. This wll be good practice for you and Rob before you adopt. I predict in 5 years you will be the co-daddies to little Mai-Ling Durban. TJ will force her onto the child pageant circuit where her talent will be filthy rap songs and limericks.
Rob will need to get a night job just to pay for her therapy.
Posted by: Boomer at November 18, 2009 10:43 AM
I can't imagine there are any voids that are unfilled in your house DB, but if you say so...
Good job on the cat training. Like cats, gay men are often viewed as untrainable. Now that you have mastered the cat, you can master anything.
Posted by: copperred at November 18, 2009 1:05 PM
I am VERY glad you gave Chuck a chance and a home! And he seems to be working out perfectly! Cool.
Posted by: cb at November 21, 2009 12:22 PM
We just adopted a six month old hellcat we named "The Jeep" (a mysterious animal with magical properties). I admit that it fulfills a need to parent and can be seen as a rite of passage in the gay community. But how do straights fill their need to attend the White Party?
Posted by: Joe at November 23, 2009 9:24 AM
The Bible says you shall leave your mother and father and procreate. I mean how else are we to keep consumer demand and corporate profits going? Thou shalt not be gay! It's all in the bible. Read it and obey or else. Oh the little matter of my alter boy, errr it was legal he was 22 but it was just a lapse, it won't happen again and Luke my new 23 year old muscle bear alter boy agrees. Now now Luke what did daddy tell you about biting!
Posted by: The Priest at November 23, 2009 11:55 PM
Attempting to fill the void left by not being able to reproduce with cats is unwise. Dying alone is sad, but dying alone except for your cats is sad and messy.
Posted by: TED at November 27, 2009 12:45 AM
I prefer animals to children. I can then avoid shopping at The Gap or pay for someone else's college.
I'm a straight girl and I have NEVER wanted human children.
Posted by: SaltyMissJill at November 27, 2009 11:40 AM
Congrats on the new kid.
Soon you'll have a house hold.
Look at me, single dad, three kids . . .
Posted by: Leo at November 30, 2009 5:15 AM
Chuck is WAY cute.
Posted by: Blobby at December 2, 2009 10:15 PM