March 28, 2007
Complaining Sux Donkey Dick
Some church is giving out free bracelets to remind us not to complain. Isn't that cute? They've already given out over a million.
The head of the church is kinda sexy. Apparently he's married, but my gaydar is telling me otherwise. Tick. Tock.
If I were dating him, I think it would be fun to tie him down with a bunch of those bracelets and lightly snap him with them - in an affectionate and loving manner, of course. And when he would say -- "Stop, it hurts!" -- I would remind him not to complain. It would be hot. And he would like it, eventually.
His safe word would be "Calvary".
Anyway, I ordered a few. I would like to give them to a few people who could probably benefit from their purpose. I won't disclose any names, but you may know some of them. I wonder if we're supposed to wear them on our right or left arm, or maybe both. Hmm.
I, of course, don't need the bracelet. They're fucking purple! And I don't wear fucking purple! Anymore.
Posted by durban bud at 12:15 AM | Comments (11)
December 20, 2006
Christmas Sux Donkey Dick Part 2
I finished my Christmas shopping within an hour at Target. I just ran in, grabbed shit off the shelves, paid and left.
My sister sent me a list of what to get her kids. Of course, I didn't get any of her suggestions, since the last time she did that, they hated what I got them. Six and eight-year olds really don't like fraction puzzles, apparently.
Since my sister enjoys reading, I bought her "He's Just Not That Into You."
And since her husband is a republican, I bought him the Dixie Chick's latest CD.
My 9-year-old nephew is a really bright kid, so I think he'll enjoy the Brokeback Mountain DVD.
My 7-year-old niece likes dolls, so I bought her Turleen.
And since I got Turleen for my mom last year, I think she'll enjoy Turleen's new friend, Jerwayne Jr.
My dad enjoys smelling fresh for my mom, usually by wearing baby powder, but I'm upgrading him to the sexy new fragrance by Pee Diddle. I mean, who doesn't want to be sexy like Pee Diddle? It obviously works for him!
I think they'll all be pleasantly surprised. All in all, it was a fairly painless shopping expedition.
As for gifts for my friends, I've decided to send them all smiles on Friendster.
Note to women with big asses: Please do not wear skin tight jeans to go Christmas shopping. No one wants to see your holiday camel toe; Jesus would frown upon that. But if you insist on wearing skin tight jeans, at least make sure your weave is on straight.
That's all.
Posted by durban bud at 03:53 PM | Comments (10)
December 18, 2006
Christmas Sux Donkey Dick
I kept a low profile this past weekend. I've been getting ready for my impending bear hibernation, loading up on fatty foods and storing nuts and such. I did manage to watch a lot of mindless television.
My new favorite gay network, Oxygen, has a show called "The Bad Girls Club," and it is fantastically bad. It's exactly like the Real World, only with even more dysfunctional bitches. I love it!
One girl got piss drunk on tequila and started beating up her roommates. She attacked one girl for no reason while she was sleeping. She pulled her hair and gave her a black eye. She also threw chairs and broke stuff. Of course, she did not remember anything in the morning. Countdown to rehab -- tick, tock.
I can't imagine they'll keep her on the show. It's very odd that the producers didn't step in since she was obviously hurting people. These kids these days, no morals!
You can watch highlights of the show on Oxygen's site, or watch the entire episodes online or On Demand. I highly recommend it!
Justin Timberlake did an incredible job on SNL. It's easy to write him off as the leader of an awful boy band, but he has some serious talent. I don't find him attractive like most of you homosexuals, but I would totally watch an episode of South Park with him.
Talk Sex with Sue Johanson was interesting, as usual. I've noticed many women calling in about having anal sex with their boyfriends, and what precautions they need to take. Sue explains exactly how the butt works, which is creepy. Me thinks she has some experience in this area. Gross.
And I suppose I need to start Christmas shopping, which gets in the way of my impending hibernation. Thank God for Amazon! My mom's like, "You know you don't have to buy me anything." And I'm all, "Okay."
Posted by durban bud at 02:24 PM | Comments (8)
October 05, 2006
Robin McGraw Sux Donkey Dick
I don't mean to be rude, but this woman sux the teat of a billy goat. Don't get me wrong; she seems like a lovely woman to share a poo poo platter with at a P.F. Chang's in Houston, but I would never take her advice on life issues. She really needs to go back to her seat in her husband's audience and apply more makeup or something.
Naturally since she is Dr. Phil's wife, she has released a book. It's called "Inside My Heart: Choosing to Live with Passion and Purpose." What exactly are her credentials? Well, her famous husband bangs her. Buy your copy now!
Since I have a morbid sense of humor, I sometimes find enjoyment in the most unusual places. I like to read or watch shows of people that seem to live in a completely different reality, like the 700 Club, the Washington Times, NWG, the crazy Westboro clan's website or the Dr. Phil Show. I invite you all to read or watch that shit. Hysterical!
Dr. Phil devoted an entire episode to his wife's book. He said that she has become "America's Girlfriend" and that "Everyone loves her." Really? I did not get that memo.
Her childhood was very average, and she hasn't had any obstacles to overcome in her life. And now she's a speaker at the big "Women of Faith" conferences around the country.
Here is what her book says:
"My goal is to help you see your life as I see mine: a vast array of choices that can bring you closer to the person you long to be. Your life is waiting for you to claim it. It's all in the choosing."
You married a guy who became rich thanks to Oprah, honey -- so now you obviously can make plenty of choices in your life, like where to buy more eyeliner. Did you mention that in your book? You also sit in the audience during all your husband's shows. That's not really inspirational; it's kinda sad. Get out and do something!
Sorry, but I'm just not a big fan of know-it-alls, and her whole family is now full of them. If she can write an inspirational book, then so can I! Wouldn't that be interesting?
I really think that Dr. Phil is prepping her so she can have her own show, and this is the first step. This must not happen.
Like I said, sharing a poo poo platter: good; selling a book you have no business writing to make more money for your husband's little empire: bad.
Posted by durban bud at 11:27 PM | Comments (13)
September 11, 2006
Comcast Sux Donkey Dick
*May not be safe for work*
We received a letter from Comcast informing us that they are no longer offering HBO on their basic cable system, so we need to upgrade to digital cable in order to continue receiving it. Okay, fine, we'll upgrade. Cha-ching for them. We have the equipment for it, plus it's time to get better picture quality.
A member of 50 Cent's entourage shows up last Thursday to install our new "box".
"Do you want me to hook it up?" he asks as he enters my home.
"Um, yeah. That would be mighty helpful."
He unhooks our cable and tries to install the new box to our bitchin' plasma TV.
"This ain't gonna work."
"Why not?"
"Cuz this don't have the right input; but the HD box do. If you get the HD box, it'll work."
"We already have an HD tuner."
"You have to have a Comcast HD tuner."
"Why?"
"That's just the way it is."
"How much more is their HD box?"
"About 5 dollar a month."
"Okay, we'll get the HD box." Cha-ching.
"I don't have an HD box in my truck; I can come back first thing tomorrow to hook it up."
"Okay, fine." I'm such a pushover sometimes.
He attempts to hook our original cable back up.
"It ain't workin'. I hooked it up exactly like it was before."
Um, no you didn't cuz it was working fine before you showed up. At that point, I just wanted him out of my home. I can live without the TV working for a day. I think. It's always weird when strangers are in your personal space. And I had an enormous fear that one of my butt-sex pornos was gonna show up as he moved some of my DVDs to access the equipment.
Next day, he doesn't show up on time. I call his cell. He's on his way. Great.
He brings in the new box along with another member of 50 Cent's entourage, G-Murda.
"He's training with me."
He hooks up the new box. It doesn't work. He spends an hour trying to get it to work. G-Murda is just sitting there with his head in his hands.
"I don't know why it won't work. I've tried everything."
"Can you call someone else who might be able to fix it?"
"I've hooked up a million of these things. I'm one of the head techs. If I can't do it, they can't either."
He spends another hour trying to hook back up our original cable. G-Murda is still sitting there, head in hands.
"Well, how are you going to fix this?"
"I'll call my supervisor, and see what we can do."
"You are gonna come back and fix this today, right?"
"Yeah, I'll call you after I speak to my supervisor."
I know that will be the last time I see or hear from him.
I call him at 3:00 & 4:00 & 5:00 & 6:00 & 7:00. No word. Nothing. By 8:00, I'm fuming. It takes a lot to get me pissed off. I like to think I'm pretty mellow and non-confrontational. I called customer service and went off. I asked to speak to a supervisor. The supervisor tells me they will send someone out next Wednesday to fix it. "Uh, wrong ansa! It needs to be hooked up now! This whole thing started because of you guys. You told us we couldn't get HBO unless we got digital. Being whores for HBO, we need it now! Plus, you're now getting more money from us! Fix it!"
"We're sorry, sir." He tries to instruct me how to hook back up our original cable box. "Yeah, buddy. This ain't gonna work." "Okay, call me around noon tomorrow and I'll see what I can do." He gives me a direct line number.
I call the direct line number at noon. It rings and rings. And rings. No answer. Nothing.
I call the main customer service number. I wait on hold for 20 minutes.
Someone answers, "Thanyafocallcomca, howhelu."
"What?"
"Thanyafocallcomca, howhelu."
"Is this Comcast?"
"Mmmmmhmmmmm."
It appears Shirley Q Liquor has gotten a job at Comcast.
"I'm trying to reach Cesar at extension 2188. By the way, how you durrin'?"
"Huh?"
"Nevermind."
"Please hold."
Another 20 minutes go by.
Someone answers, "Thanyafocallcomca, howhelu."
"I'm waiting to be transferred to extension 2188!"
"Please hold."
"No, I don't wa-"
The line is disconnected. Mother. Fuckers.
I call back. The woman informs me that she will "email the supervisor."
I am at the mercy of these dickwads.
Finally, the supervisor calls me back and tells me the tech supervisor will call me to schedule a time to stop by. How many fucking supervisors are there?
I'm out of options. I have no recourse.
Needless to say, that is the last time I have heard from anyone. I have a Comcast HD box here that won't work. And no cable for the past 4 days.
I am going to switch to DirecTV or Dish. This is where I need your help. Which one is better???
Posted by durban bud at 02:53 PM | Comments (23)
August 16, 2006
George Allen Sux Donkey Dick
I love how the Washington Post put this on the front page. Here's what I think happened: This guy was following George around, and George was getting annoyed. Because S.R. Sidarth is, uh, ethnic looking, his staffers nicknamed him macaca, knowing it was racist. George picked up on this, and decided to use it himself. Because George was in front of a safe group of ignorant supporters, he knew he could use the term and get a reaction. "Welcome to America," what a dick.
He's so smug.
Living here in DC, we are bombarded with commercials with this guy. Another guy running for the senate (MD), Josh Rales, is also airing a ton of ads.
Josh Rales appears to be one of those men who spit a lot when they talk. You know, the guys who accumulate a lot of foam in the corner of their mouths.
Kinda gross, but I'd much rather have him in the senate than his repub opponent.
Posted by durban bud at 08:52 PM | Comments (5)
June 15, 2006
Jay Leno Sux Donkey Dick
He is the Wal-Mart of late night television. So bland. So unoriginal. So mainstream. From time to time I'll tune in if he has a cool guest on, but whenever I do, he is telling the same tired jokes about the Clintons. Jay, it's time to move on. Come up with something new. I swear to god, if I'm flipping thru channels and land on his show, I always hear the word, "Clinton." I'll switch to another channel, switch back, and again, "Clinton." Ahahahahahahahaha! Douche.
Letterman is ten times better. Yeah, he does Clinton jokes too, but not every fucking night. At least Letterman is funny.
Last night I watched cuz his guests included Kunty Koulter and George Carlin. I was hoping he would grill her, or at least let Carlin have at her, but no such thing occurred. He coddled and kissed her boney ass. I realize he's a comedian, but c'mon, at least try to be somewhat outrageous. When is Conan taking over?
You know I'm right.
Posted by durban bud at 10:03 AM | Comments (5)
August 03, 2005
Ann Curry Sux Donkey Dick
I don't mean to be rude, but Ann Curry is a terrible interviewer. Don't get me wrong; she seems like a lovely woman to have sushi with, but she sucks donkey dick at interviewing. She always seems a little TOO into the story. It's almost frightening. If I showed up at the Today show for an interview with Katie or Matt, and they told me I had to be interviewed by this mess, I would throw down a hissy fit and leave. She is just awful. Sorry. But it's true.
Posted by durban bud at 09:51 AM | Comments (15)