durban bud

Do Not Search Images For 'Blue Waffle'

Lyric Fail

Rob downloaded Eminem's latest single the other day, the one that features Rihanna. He said he "liked the lyrics." Since the song is about domestic violence I was very troubled. I wondered, is he going to punch me in the dick? So I researched the song's lyrics for any recent behavioral clues, when I stumbled across this surprisingly barftastic verse spat out by the accomplished wordsmith:

But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it windowpane

Windowpane? Like...window pain? Really, Eminem? Ew.

No.

UPDATE: And here we have a Billboard FAIL on this week's chart:

Oh, and TWO more FAILS here. Does anyone proof these charts?

And I'm Gonna Miss Sam

I flew to San Francisco on Virgin America. There were TV's on the back of each seat. Somehow I was forced to watch hours of back-to-back episodes of Jersey Shore (on the way there) and The Real Housewives of New Jersey (on the way back). Utter GARBAGE! I could not wait to see the next episode. Thanks Virgin!

Virgin America was the airline where Sam Storicks worked. I expected to meet him someday on a flight out to the west coast. I haven't said anything about his death. I didn't think it was my place since I had never met him in person. But witnessing some of the crew wearing ribbons in memory of him made me think otherwise. He was a pretty special guy. His death one month ago today affected me, which felt weird because, again, I didn't know him personally. And I didn't know what, if anything, to say about it all.

The first blog I ever read was Sam's. I have no idea how I first stumbled upon it back in 2003. But his brutal honesty and incredibly sharp, twisted and unrivaled wit commanded repeat visits --and respect-- from me since that day. He somehow made this new hobby called "blogging" seem less annoying and even kinda cool.

My very first post on this site was in response to a meme he featured on his blog. It was lame but I needed something, anything, to help get this nerd party started. The first comment under that inaugural post was from Sam.

We traded a few emails and comments over the years, nothing very memorable, but never met in person.

And that sucks. But maybe it's appropriate. He came into my life through cyberspace, and then left the exact same way, as words on a computer screen.

The Happy Hour Bears

Given the recent news I thought I would repost this entry from 01/06/08. I've updated a few things to reflect the current displaced tenant. I'll prolly need to repost it again in a couple years.

A very exasperated Jimbo just called my cell. I answered:

"Hello?"

"Ahhhhhhhhhh! OMG! OMG! Oh. My. God!"

"Jimbo? What's wrong?"

"The bears! The bears! Oooooooh. We...no place...it's ovah."

"What? Slow down. I can't understand you."

"IT'S THE BEARS! [inaudible] closed! Nowhere to go. [inaudible]...oh God...Wrangler Jeans...hurts so bad."

"You're not making sense. Slow down. Grab hold of yourself."

"But...[whimpering]...but...oooooh....Jessssus, Mary and Josssseph....whyyyy?"

"Jimbo, smack yourself in the face."

"What?"

"Smack yourself in the face, hard. You need to snap out of this. Pretend your smackin' Carl's Swedish ass."

"Okay. Hold on." PSSHT! "Ow -- that hurted!"

"Now take a deep breath. Just breathe. Breathe like Anna Nalick. Raise your hands to heaven...and just breathe. Now, again, slowly -- what did you say?"

"Ooooooh, God...it's the bears. The bears. We...we have no place to go for happy hour on Friday. No...where! EFN Lounge closed without warning! No more free nachos and cheese! No free fuckin' pizza! It's created chaos in our community. Chaos! The bears are moping aimlessly down the street, like furbots, mumbling to themselves, slowly walking in circles, drooling all over their beards. Their faces are blank, no emotion, just...empty. It's gotten ugly. Some displaced bears and otters are protesting the closure in front of the Just For Men aisle at CVS; and the polar bears are holding a candlelight vigil at the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Sizzler in Sterling. Some are even...shaving, while repeating, 'It's over, man. Game over.' It's madness! Poor li'l Clickboo was found in the fetal position in a booth at Annie's, dry heaving and threatening to put cologne on if a new bear happy hour location was not announced immediately. Dr. Phil was flown in to mediate. It's spinning out of control. I'm so...so...so...worried about the future of our bear community. Oh dear God. Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"

"Jimbo, I'm sure you all can find another place to congregate. How 'bout the Applebee's in Silver Spring?"

"That's not even fucking funny. It's all a big joke to you, isn't it, Mister I'm So Lame Cuz I Hardly Go Out Anymore? Well it's not funny to us, the Happy Hour Bears. These tears are real. This pain in my heart is real. This empty mug of Miller Genuine Draft is real. The fur on my ass crack is real, okay? I am 100% bear beef with feelings. It affects so....many....bears like me. Don't you get it, motherfucker? I'm sorry, I just can't even talk about this right now. It's much...too painful."

"Simmer down now and stop crying. It will all work itself out. The bears are a resilient group. You will find another home for Bear Happy Hour."

"TJ?"

"Yes."

"Do you think this is our Stonewall?"

"Um, yes, Jimbo. As a matter of fact, I do."

"TJ?"

"Yes."

"Do you think Danny Pintauro from 'Who's the Boss' reads my blog?"

"I have no idea."

"OMG, I know! I should start a Happy Hour Bear group on Facebook! We could meet there in the interim, maybe use webcams to show ourselves drinking drafts of Miller Lite, checking for ticks, and saying "Woof" to each other as we gently poke one another online! I must go to Facebook now and start the revolution! OMG, I'm totally the hairy Harvey Milk! We Happy Hour Bears will NOT be left behind, ever! We will march the streets at dusk holding candles like they did at the end of Milk! Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, who saved a wretch like me!"

"Speaking of retch," I managed to respond without being interrupted.

"Oh, and don't forget to come to our benefit tonight. Bob Mould is performing an acoustic set in front of EFN Lounge and Motley Bar at 1318 Ninth Street to raise awareness of its demise. He's gonna debut a song he wrote about it called, 'Sound the Alarm, Bro -- It's a Fur-mergency.' Get it? Can't wait! Make sure you wear flannel for solidarity. Be there, bitch. Well, I'm off to Facebook now. Dilemma solved...Bear Power on Facebook! Vive le Résistance! BIG BAD BEAR SNAPS TO ME! K, thanks. Bye."

Wee Wee Pads

I'm heading to San Francisco next week. It's been awhile so I'm looking forward to it. Plus I hear it's cold there. Score. Some people have been whining that I'm posting too many videos lately. It's true. I have. And here's another one.

I seriously want to adopt that cat.

I'll WRITE an actual blog while over on the west coast. I know you're sitting on pins and needles, aren't you?

Queen of the Lesbians

You're welcome.

DB: And now we have a series of these cooter songs.

Catfish

I think we've all been duped by a fake online personality. Or are still being duped.

I want to see this.

Hooking Up In Uganda

I've been meaning to tell you this for awhile but never seemed to find the motivation.

Remember when the whole "Kill the Gays" bill in Uganda was getting heavy traction in the online media world a few months ago? Weeeeeeeell, a gay friend of mine went to Uganda for business during that time. We told him about the troubling controversy, of which he was totally clueless -- typical apathetic homo! Still, he couldn't suppress the tingling urge in his throbbing prostate. So he logged onto some whore site called Adam 4 Adam and found a FEW other guys looking for some sexytime too. Did I mention he was IN UGANDA?? He made arrangements with one of them and the horny Ugandan showed up at my friend's hotel room and they MADE GAY BUTTLOVE! IN UGANDA! DURING THE KILL THE GAYS BILL MEDIA FRENZY!!! Kinda risky, no? At least they used protection!

The Ugandan man who stuck his peen in my friend was married, of course. To a woman.

Can't nobody keep a horny gay man down no matter the fear of death. But please be careful.

Anyway, check out Uganda's first foray into action movie-making:

The visual effects are fucking awesome!!!

Big Muscle Mary Dot Com

I registered the domain bigmusclemary.com -- any ideas what I should do with it?

If Jimbo Was A Goat

I'm pretty sure this would be him. Especially when his honey pot is on fire and he ain't gettin' any.

Click here if you want to see an ibex itch its butt with its horn.

Paranormal Time Waster

The marketing folks at Paramount are geniuses. They released the first trailer for Paranormal Activity 2 yesterday, which opens in October. I watched it and thought it was kind of lame. Then Rey (via Facebook) mentioned there are "easter eggs" hidden throughout the video. So naturally I'm pausing and rewinding to try and find them.

I did enjoy the first film. And usually the sequels always suck donkey dick. But for some reason I have high hopes for this one. It's a strange feeling I can sense in my fucking gut, okay?

So far I noticed near the end of the trailer that the baby standing up in the crib can only be seen in the mirror. I hear there's more but I can't find them. HELP!

It might be easier to see the details on a bigger video player.

Good job preventing us from working, Paramount!

The Downside of Facebook

Have you ever gone to the gym with your PILLS (Partner In Love, Life & Sodomy) to spot each other on the chest press, and y'all have developed a routine where he racks one side of the bar and you rack the other for each set, and after you finish racking your side for the first set you sit down on the bench cuz it's your turn, and after your PILLS has racked the other side he excuses himself for a moment so he can get a towel, and since you're just sitting there waiting for him to come back you decide to do a warm up set on your own, so you lie back, grab the bar loaded with heavy weights and push up, only to discover that something doesn't feel right, so you look over to the side of the bar that your PILLS supposedly racked and notice that I'll be damned there's no fucking weights on it, and you think "This is not going to end well" and "I'm about to be humiliated, aren't I?" and "Thanks Honey!" but you know there's nothing you can do about it at this point but watch helplessly in slow motion as the bar tilts upward and resembles what Lady Gaga would describe as a "vertical stick" as the one-sided weights fall off the bar and onto the floor in a loud manner causing the entire gym to stare at you while you're in a vulnerable catatonic state of disbelief and horror?

Just curious.

Anyway -- after returning from the gym I was ready to start my Sunday morning on better terms. I grabbed a cup of coffee, sat back on the chair, exhaled and logged onto Facebook, anxiously wondering "What are my friends up to? I NEED to know!" Like most people, I perused my news feed not recognizing many of my "friends'" names. This particular status update chain story clogged my feed and got my attention. (Read from bottom to top.)

Wow, I didn't need to know that. This day is going swimmingly!

Note to self: not every friend request needs to be approved.

I realize I probably overshare on some things but COME ON. I draw the line at publicly disparaging the beauty of buttsex.

THEN...

After nearly losing my breakfast, I received the following email from Jimbo, transcribing a conversation he recently had with his roommate:

Seriously?

Confessions of a Shopaholic

I think I saw this dude on Bear411.

"It's just a spectacle to you? It's just a spectacle to you? It's just funny? HAHAHAHA!"

Um, security.

Quote of the Day

''The drive for same-sex marriage is, in effect, an effort to make a sneak attack on society by encoding this aberrant behavior in legal form before society itself has decided it should be legal. Let us defend the oldest institution, the institution of marriage between male and female as set forth in the Holy Bible.''
- Senator Robert C. Byrd, Democrat of West Virginia

MmmHmm

Forgive me for this post. BUT. COME. ON!

Tick tock.

He sure would make a pretty addition to the family, though.

UPDATE: Oh, and no one gets this angry unless they are really, really, really trying to hide something. "Just sayin'!"

I'll fuck you in the ass
Just for a laugh
With the quick speed
I'll make your nose bleed
- Tricky: "Abbaon Fat Tracks"